Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

Marissa Leinart

Have you ever caught yourself saying things to your own heart that you would never say to someone you love?

Things like, “You should’ve known better,” or “You’re such a failure,” or even, “No one else struggles with this the way you do.”

Yeah… me too.

I don’t know when it started, but somewhere along the way, we picked up this habit of being our own worst critic. And it’s exhausting. Heavy. Sometimes crippling.

So today, let’s talk about it. Let’s explore why we’re so hard on ourselves and what we can do—together—to start being just a little kinder inside.

Because you deserve that. I do too. 💜

We’re Not Born This Way—So Where Did It Come From?

Nobody comes into the world thinking they’re not good enough. Babies don’t look in the mirror and criticize their thighs. Toddlers don’t sit in shame because they spilled the milk.

Self-criticism is something we learn—from experiences, from people, from culture.

Maybe…

You grew up in a home where love was conditional.
You went to a church that emphasized perfection over grace.
You were praised only when you performed.
You were bullied, dismissed, or overlooked.

Over time, all of that wires your brain to look inward with suspicion. Like, “What’s wrong with me?” becomes your default question.

And if no one ever interrupts that pattern, we grow up and keep reinforcing the same lie:

I’m only valuable if I’m flawless.

But that’s just not true.

The Voice in Your Head Is Often Not Even

Your

Voice

You know that voice? The one that whispers, “You’re not doing enough,” or “You’ll never get it right”?

Yeah… that voice isn’t actually you.

That’s the echo of someone else’s voice that got lodged in your inner world. And now it just plays on repeat.

It might be:

A critical parent
A harsh teacher or coach
A religious leader who focused more on punishment than mercy
Or even the unrealistic expectations from social media, culture, or your own perfectionism

Here’s what I want you to hear:

You’re allowed to challenge that voice.

You can start asking, “Is this true? Is this kind? Is this how God would speak to me?”

Because if the answer is no… then maybe that voice doesn’t deserve the final say anymore.

What Science Says About Being So Hard on Ourselves

Let’s talk brain science for a second—because there’s a real reason why it feels like your inner critic is louder than your inner encourager.

🔬 The human brain has a “negativity bias.”

That means we’re wired to remember negative experiences more vividly than positive ones. It’s a survival mechanism. Your brain thinks it’s protecting you by pointing out flaws, warning signs, and risks.

But here’s the thing:

When that negativity gets turned inward, it becomes toxic.

Studies show that self-criticism activates the brain’s threat system, releasing cortisol (stress hormone) and triggering feelings of anxiety and shame.

Over time, this wears you down emotionally and even physically.

🧠 Meanwhile, self-compassion—treating yourself with kindness, especially when you mess up—activates the brain’s care system. It releases oxytocin and endorphins, which literally soothe your nervous system and promote healing.

So no, being kind to yourself isn’t some woo-woo idea.

It’s biologically and emotionally necessary if you want to thrive.

Perfectionism Is a Thief

Perfectionism might look like it’s helping you aim high—but let’s be honest: it’s exhausting.

It tells you things like:

“If I don’t get it just right, I’ve failed.”
“I have to do it all, or I’m not enough.”
“I can’t rest until everything is in place.”

But perfectionism isn’t love. It isn’t peace. It isn’t freedom.

It’s just a dressed-up version of fear—fear of rejection, of being judged, of not being worthy.

And here’s what I’ve learned:

God never asked us to be perfect. He asked us to be real.

When we stop chasing perfection, we make space for grace.

For growth.

For joy.

So maybe it’s time to ask:

What has perfectionism stolen from me?

And am I willing to take it back?

Grace Isn’t Just for Other People

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had seasons where I could extend grace to everyone else—but not to myself.

Someone else messes up?

“It’s okay, you’re human.”

I mess up?

“How could you be so stupid?”

Sound familiar?

But grace is not selective. It’s meant for you too.

You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to deserve it. You just have to receive it.

Jesus didn’t go to the cross so we could keep punishing ourselves.

He came to set us free. Free from sin, yes—but also free from shame.

So if you believe in grace for others,

believe it for you too.

Let yourself exhale. Let yourself begin again.

Let’s Start Being Nicer to Ourselves—One Thought at a Time

So what do we do about it? How do we stop this cycle of self-beating?

Here are a few gentle steps I’ve been taking. Maybe they’ll help you too:

Notice the voice. Just start paying attention. “Oh, there’s that inner critic again.”
Name it. Give that voice a name if you want—mine is “Judgy Judy.” 😅
Challenge it. Ask: “Is this helpful? Is it kind? Is it true?”
Replace it. Speak to yourself like you would to a dear friend. With love. With hope.
Soak in truth. Read scriptures that remind you of who you really are: chosen, loved, redeemed.

This doesn’t happen overnight. But every small act of kindness toward yourself is a step toward healing.

And I’ll say it again:

You deserve that.

You were never meant to be your own enemy.

What If You Didn’t Have to Do This Alone?

If any of this is resonating with you—if you’re feeling seen, or even a little exposed (in a good way)—then let me gently invite you to take the next step.

You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

💜 There’s a space where you can begin to understand your emotions better…

💜 A space where you’re allowed to show up messy and still feel completely loved…

💜 A space called The Purple Room—and it was created just for moments like this.

Inside The Purple Room, you’ll be welcomed by someone who knows how to listen without judgment. Someone who’s been trained to sit with you in your story, not fix it or rush it, but honor it.

And you can join completely free.

So if your heart’s tugging at you right now, follow that nudge.

Come feel what it’s like to be seen, heard, and valued—just as you are.

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